Things Are Terrible. TRIGGER

I'm sorry I havent been around. I just been dealing with so much. It's even getting worse. I have no room to talk cause I wont judge people or tell me they must leave their abusive boyfriend or Husband or family member but, I dont want anyone else to go through what I'm going through. If I can save one person then I would be happy. I dont want anyone to have to deal with this. I was always afraid to leave cause of the threats he would make. They even tell you it will get worse when you leave. My therapist has even warned me. It's happening. He is so mad cause I wont let him have my old telephone number. Why should I do anything nice for him cause of all he has done to me. He still wants to control me. The threats are getting bad. Yesterday he called me terrible names and he got mad cause he wants to make the terms when I can come in get my stuff even when the house still in my name. I started ignoring his calls. He called me from 12pm to 8:30 that night. He was even calling my moms phone. He called me 50 times. He left 5 bad voice mails which I kept. Everyone saying I need to get a pfa but waiting to get my stuff out. Then tonight he got mad cause I was going to rent a uhaul. He said Im not allowed. He is still controlling me. I cant even tell you the stuff he said to me cause its so terrible. He did say that nothing is wrong with me and I'm faking my health problems. He's the one faking his. He can go out and do scrap metal. I was so upset. My mom was so upset seeing me in all this pain and my dad was ticked. He then started calling me again and I ignored them and of course he left another voice mail. He said I have a hour to get out the stuff he wants me to get out. He said If I send a sheriff over there he will tell sheriff what a wh*re I am and a greedy B*tch. I told everybody how abusive he is. Noone understands what he has done to me. I been so suicidal. My mom had to grab me cause I was so close to falling to the floor. I just wanted to give up. My friend was texting me and saying he wasnt worth it but its hard when you get so degraded and feel your the bad person. I cant stand myself. I cant stand him. I cant say no more. Im having a hard time.

Update

Things havent been good at all. I started Therapy last Wednesday. She said I'm going through another trama that happens when you leave an abuser. Plus I never dealt with the abuses I went through before I met my ex. I put my back out last week because I'm not suppose to be lifting anything and I had to lift boxes out of the house while he just sat there and stared at me. He said all of this is my fault. He wouldn't let my mom or dad help or he would have them arrested. My cousin came out yesterday and she said he cant do that since the house is still in my name. She called the Sheriff department for me and they said I can go in there anytime I want that he cant stop me and I can have people help me.They said just don't put a pfa on him til I get my stuff out. My psycholigist wants me to think about getting a pfa on him. I text him last night and said I wanted to come in today and he said no I cant cause he wont be home and I said I can and I told him I called the sheriff office. He blew up at me and called me names I wont repeat in the group.  I finally said enough is enough with him abusing me and me cowering down. So I yelled back and told him about all the abuse he put me through and still am. He said he is five foot 9 and he can beat anyone up. He said everyone attacking him and he not letting noone boss him. He also said he broke up with me lol. I broke up with him and moving my stuff out. He couldn't kick me out if I didn't want to leave. I guess I will be going over there Sunday. My therapist is telling me to be very careful because he could get more violent. I know she right. I heard it on the phone last night.

I'm really sorry for not being around.

 

Things are very bad

Im not doing good at all. I was doing so so earlier.  My mom and I went furniture shopping. Then He called me and I thought he was calling to see what time I was coming in tomorrow. Not the case. He called to pick a fight. He wanted to know if I was moving out. I had already told him I was. He must of not took me serious. He said he cant understand why I want to move out. Then he put the blame on me and said he is so sick of me accusing him of stuff. He said his diabetes been up for 2 days and its all my fault. How can it be my fault when I have hardly talked to him? He then asked me what Im going to do about the house because he has no where to go. I said dont worry I will sign the house over to him cause I dont want it. He then went and told me that he sick of me and my friends online of accusing him of cheatting online. He said if anything maybe he doing it in real life. He then said that a guy named Frank that he hasnt seen in along time came to town and said to him that you need to have fun and party. You work too much. I said I have told you that you work too much but you dont listen. I said yeah you have time to party but not to talk to me and he said the guy didn't give him a choice. Bull crap. He dont let noone boss him around. He said there was 40 people including a girl. The girl was flirting with him and trying to get down his pants. He said he told her no that he having problems at home. He said he had 3 beers. He said next night they went back to Franks again and had another party and he had another 3 beers and girl was there again and she tried to get him to sleep with her again and he told her no and asked Frank to take him home. He said but since you are saying im cheatting maybe I will do it with her. Thing dont make since he dont like beer. He only drinks hard stuff when he drinks. I said explains why you wanted me to leave so bad cause you want to move her in and he said there you go accusing me of stuff again. He said he has had it with me. He blamed me for everything and said if my mom or dad comes to help me get stuff out that he will have them arrested for trespassing. Its my house too. Im not allowed there when he not there cause he said I might steal his stuff. He is so controlling and abusive. He was screaming at me and my mom could hear it. I hung up on him and he called me back and asked why I hung up on him and I said cause im not going to sit here and listen to you scream at me. So he said fine and hung up on me. This is the kind of guy I have had to deal with for 7 years. Noone knows the stuff I have found to make me think he has cheated or talking to women in that kind of way. He always says its the womens fault. She playing games and he would attack me for accusing him. Im blaming myself. I should of never came out to my moms and helpped her with my grandpa. I  dont regret doing it but I feel I did something wrong. I been trying to go home on weekends for 3 months and he always says he not going to be home. I just hate myself so bad. This is all my fault. He just wants me to use me to get my mom to help him when he needs money. He wants his cake and eat it too.

What has been going on.

Sorry I havent been around but with the holiday and everything else. It's just been hard. I appreciate all of you. I dont know how I would get through this without you. Im trying to get stuff out of the house but he's always busy. He acts like Im not allowed in there when he isnt there. Thing is the house still in my name. Sunday he is letting me go and get some stuff. My mom is going with me. I dont know if some of you know that I have ptsd. My ptsd has been so bad. The flash backs are real bad and I had such terrible nightmares of some of the abuse last night. I have finally realized that he never loved me. He used me. He keeps saying he loves me. That is just a word. Love dont hurt and you dont say it if you cant show it. I have told my mom more and more what I went through. It has really hurt her to know what I went through. My self esteem is so low. I remember all cruel stuff he called me. I remember the violence, the controlling. I was like a robot. Any mail I got he had to open it but I didnt dare open his. I would get packages in mail he opened them too. He took the locks off the bathroom door so I couldnt even have privacy there. He also stole money from me.  I know I shouldnt be telling you all this stuff but it helps to talk about it. Somethings could get triggering at stuff I will write but I need to.  I was doing ok but tonight Im so very depressed. He called me and started crap. The only reason I answered it was because I thought it was about me coming in Sunday. Im also having angry streaks now. I get real angry when I think of what has happened. All my life I was abused by one person or another. I dont know how this has happened to me. My psychiatrist says thats all I have known. My Grandma and my mom were the people in my family that loved me. It seemed things got worse when My Grandma died. I didn't have her to protect me. I didnt have her to talk to. When I get so upset I miss her so much. She died in 1987 but it feels like yesterday. My mom and I lived with her. She was like another mom to me. She was abused growing up by her step mom. People say I remind them of my Grandma. She would do anything for anyone. She was such a caring person. I have had people take me for granted. They would use me cause they know I would do anything for them. I thought I was doing better with it but I look back and I was doing it with my ex. Everything he want he got. I would go without. I do miss the good time we did together. Been thinking too much about that today too.  Im going to go for now. 

Not Doing Good At All

Sorry I havent posted. I know I should to get my feelings out. I just feel like such a burden. Its the same thing over again and Know you guys are probabally sick of it. Im in a deep depression right now and the Holiday is not helpping. My ex and I always did something for the 4th. Then I find out my one friend who has been there for me went out of town til the 12th and I feel this person will forget me. I ask my friend if they would and they said they wont. Thing is I have a hard time believing anyone. I have lost all trust. My mom even noticed it. Its got real bad.  She said the abuse has done this to me. Im waiting for my new medical card so I can get some counceling. I know I need it. My ex is playing alot of mind games with me. My depression got really severe last night. I dont want to say how bad it got cause I dont want noone to worry. Patty thank you for calling me and Im so sorry I worried you. Today is not going any better. I been crying. I feel like Im not even here. I just dont feel loved. I feel like I cant be loved. Im hurting so bad. I m sorry Im so depressed so much. I just feel like my whole life is crashing. I will try to write more often.

Up And Down Day

I feel like Im bothering you guys with my problems. Im trying so hard to get through this. One minute I feel like Im getting through it and then something will set me off and I will fall apart. I was doing so good today and then now Im fighting just to keep going. I know what set me off. I been waiting for my gas bill and had to text him to see if it came. I was worried about my bill cause it was late and we have alot of mail problems. He keeps playing games with me. One minute he so nice and the next he is so cold with me and playing mind games with me. I can tell when he's lying to me. I know some of you tell me not to call or text him but I had no choice because I had to find out about that bill. That is only time I talk to him. After I get all my stuff out and get everything taken care of then just maybe I can get through this. I dont mean to burden you guys. I dont want noone mad at me. I just wonder what I did to deserve this. My mom and others tell me to think about all the bad stuff he has done to me. I try to very much but also remember the fun stuff we did together. My mom said yeah but there are more bad stuff then good. She seen his temper. Its really bad. I just feel like I deserved it. I also found out tonight My Aunt fell and she broke her arm and cracked her head open. She is in the hospital.  Last night I finally laughed for a change. I had a friend just make me laugh. She and I were sharing jokes lol. Patty also thank you for calling me too. I couldnt ask for a better sister. You have always been there for me. Im always there for you too. Well I think I will do some email and maybe fine something I will enjoy. I just took a depression pill and anxiety pill to try to calm me down.

Im Having a So So Day

Well today hasnt been too bad for me. I been trying to keep myself distracted. I been taking my depression meds and anxiety meds to help. I know its going to be very hard when I get my stuff out. Its hard when he been in my life for 7 years. He called and text me tonight. He trying to act so nice. I know what hes doing. Hes done it before. Acts real nice to me to give me to stay with him and then he will go back to his old ways. Im trying so hard not to fall for it. He's confusing me badly.  I know he wants me there to help him with the bills. I know we had good times but a friend of mine she told me to think of the bad stuff that he has done. I know I never told alot of you about alot of stuff because of so scared of being judged and wondering why I stayed with him. Noone understands unless their in my shoes. Its hard when you own a house together. I do miss the house sometimes cause it was mine but dont miss the neighborhood. My mom lives out in the country so its nice and quiet. The neighbors use to pick on me and put me down.  My ex would never stick up for me. They thought he was the greatest.  Its been a cold day here and very rainy. Everyone thank you for your support it means so very much to me.