Up And Down Day

I feel like Im bothering you guys with my problems. Im trying so hard to get through this. One minute I feel like Im getting through it and then something will set me off and I will fall apart. I was doing so good today and then now Im fighting just to keep going. I know what set me off. I been waiting for my gas bill and had to text him to see if it came. I was worried about my bill cause it was late and we have alot of mail problems. He keeps playing games with me. One minute he so nice and the next he is so cold with me and playing mind games with me. I can tell when he's lying to me. I know some of you tell me not to call or text him but I had no choice because I had to find out about that bill. That is only time I talk to him. After I get all my stuff out and get everything taken care of then just maybe I can get through this. I dont mean to burden you guys. I dont want noone mad at me. I just wonder what I did to deserve this. My mom and others tell me to think about all the bad stuff he has done to me. I try to very much but also remember the fun stuff we did together. My mom said yeah but there are more bad stuff then good. She seen his temper. Its really bad. I just feel like I deserved it. I also found out tonight My Aunt fell and she broke her arm and cracked her head open. She is in the hospital.  Last night I finally laughed for a change. I had a friend just make me laugh. She and I were sharing jokes lol. Patty also thank you for calling me too. I couldnt ask for a better sister. You have always been there for me. Im always there for you too. Well I think I will do some email and maybe fine something I will enjoy. I just took a depression pill and anxiety pill to try to calm me down.

Im Having a So So Day

Well today hasnt been too bad for me. I been trying to keep myself distracted. I been taking my depression meds and anxiety meds to help. I know its going to be very hard when I get my stuff out. Its hard when he been in my life for 7 years. He called and text me tonight. He trying to act so nice. I know what hes doing. Hes done it before. Acts real nice to me to give me to stay with him and then he will go back to his old ways. Im trying so hard not to fall for it. He's confusing me badly.  I know he wants me there to help him with the bills. I know we had good times but a friend of mine she told me to think of the bad stuff that he has done. I know I never told alot of you about alot of stuff because of so scared of being judged and wondering why I stayed with him. Noone understands unless their in my shoes. Its hard when you own a house together. I do miss the house sometimes cause it was mine but dont miss the neighborhood. My mom lives out in the country so its nice and quiet. The neighbors use to pick on me and put me down.  My ex would never stick up for me. They thought he was the greatest.  Its been a cold day here and very rainy. Everyone thank you for your support it means so very much to me.

Another Bad Day

I just been up and down on a roller coaster today. My mind wont stop thinking. He has had me so convinced that everything is my fault. I feel if I would of kept quiet and not asked questions and not get upset that he wasnt calling and talking to me that everything would be ok and we would still be together. I know he was very abusive but im so scared of being alone. We did have fun times and he did help me but there is more negatives then pros. My heart feels like it was ripped out. I know you all have said I havent done nothing wrong and that is him but its hard.Im trying to believe what you guys have been saying about not listening to him.  I still have to get my stuff out. He acts so happy im leaving. He is so cold to me. I have done so much for him and my mom has too. I dont know what more I could of done. I would buy him things and go without. I feel very used. Now he making money he dont need me. 7 of my years wasted.  I want to thank you all for the comments it means alot to me.

Having A Hard Time

Hi. I thought it might help me to blog how Im feeling. I been having a rough time and been doing alot of crying. Im in the begining stage of breaking up with my boyfriend. I havent gotten alot of my stuff out. Im hurting so bad cause I cared about him but he just didnt care about me. All he ever did was scream at me and alot of abuse. We been together for 7 years. I am so scared what going to happen to my life. I dotn want to be alone but Im sick of the abuse. Its always my fault. I cant talk or ask questions.  I have major depression and ocd and Fibromyalgia and Diabetes. He always said he understood it but he didnt. There were good things about him too. We had alot in common and he would carry my groceries but he has always put me down. He makes me feel like Im a bad person. This was my 1st boyfriend. I have never had to go through a break up before. Im terrified. Am I doing the right thing? He lies to me all the time and I always come last. I feel Im not worth a thing.. Im going to go for now.