Update

Things havent been good at all. I started Therapy last Wednesday. She said I'm going through another trama that happens when you leave an abuser. Plus I never dealt with the abuses I went through before I met my ex. I put my back out last week because I'm not suppose to be lifting anything and I had to lift boxes out of the house while he just sat there and stared at me. He said all of this is my fault. He wouldn't let my mom or dad help or he would have them arrested. My cousin came out yesterday and she said he cant do that since the house is still in my name. She called the Sheriff department for me and they said I can go in there anytime I want that he cant stop me and I can have people help me.They said just don't put a pfa on him til I get my stuff out. My psycholigist wants me to think about getting a pfa on him. I text him last night and said I wanted to come in today and he said no I cant cause he wont be home and I said I can and I told him I called the sheriff office. He blew up at me and called me names I wont repeat in the group.  I finally said enough is enough with him abusing me and me cowering down. So I yelled back and told him about all the abuse he put me through and still am. He said he is five foot 9 and he can beat anyone up. He said everyone attacking him and he not letting noone boss him. He also said he broke up with me lol. I broke up with him and moving my stuff out. He couldn't kick me out if I didn't want to leave. I guess I will be going over there Sunday. My therapist is telling me to be very careful because he could get more violent. I know she right. I heard it on the phone last night.

I'm really sorry for not being around.

 

Things are very bad

Im not doing good at all. I was doing so so earlier.  My mom and I went furniture shopping. Then He called me and I thought he was calling to see what time I was coming in tomorrow. Not the case. He called to pick a fight. He wanted to know if I was moving out. I had already told him I was. He must of not took me serious. He said he cant understand why I want to move out. Then he put the blame on me and said he is so sick of me accusing him of stuff. He said his diabetes been up for 2 days and its all my fault. How can it be my fault when I have hardly talked to him? He then asked me what Im going to do about the house because he has no where to go. I said dont worry I will sign the house over to him cause I dont want it. He then went and told me that he sick of me and my friends online of accusing him of cheatting online. He said if anything maybe he doing it in real life. He then said that a guy named Frank that he hasnt seen in along time came to town and said to him that you need to have fun and party. You work too much. I said I have told you that you work too much but you dont listen. I said yeah you have time to party but not to talk to me and he said the guy didn't give him a choice. Bull crap. He dont let noone boss him around. He said there was 40 people including a girl. The girl was flirting with him and trying to get down his pants. He said he told her no that he having problems at home. He said he had 3 beers. He said next night they went back to Franks again and had another party and he had another 3 beers and girl was there again and she tried to get him to sleep with her again and he told her no and asked Frank to take him home. He said but since you are saying im cheatting maybe I will do it with her. Thing dont make since he dont like beer. He only drinks hard stuff when he drinks. I said explains why you wanted me to leave so bad cause you want to move her in and he said there you go accusing me of stuff again. He said he has had it with me. He blamed me for everything and said if my mom or dad comes to help me get stuff out that he will have them arrested for trespassing. Its my house too. Im not allowed there when he not there cause he said I might steal his stuff. He is so controlling and abusive. He was screaming at me and my mom could hear it. I hung up on him and he called me back and asked why I hung up on him and I said cause im not going to sit here and listen to you scream at me. So he said fine and hung up on me. This is the kind of guy I have had to deal with for 7 years. Noone knows the stuff I have found to make me think he has cheated or talking to women in that kind of way. He always says its the womens fault. She playing games and he would attack me for accusing him. Im blaming myself. I should of never came out to my moms and helpped her with my grandpa. I  dont regret doing it but I feel I did something wrong. I been trying to go home on weekends for 3 months and he always says he not going to be home. I just hate myself so bad. This is all my fault. He just wants me to use me to get my mom to help him when he needs money. He wants his cake and eat it too.

What has been going on.

Sorry I havent been around but with the holiday and everything else. It's just been hard. I appreciate all of you. I dont know how I would get through this without you. Im trying to get stuff out of the house but he's always busy. He acts like Im not allowed in there when he isnt there. Thing is the house still in my name. Sunday he is letting me go and get some stuff. My mom is going with me. I dont know if some of you know that I have ptsd. My ptsd has been so bad. The flash backs are real bad and I had such terrible nightmares of some of the abuse last night. I have finally realized that he never loved me. He used me. He keeps saying he loves me. That is just a word. Love dont hurt and you dont say it if you cant show it. I have told my mom more and more what I went through. It has really hurt her to know what I went through. My self esteem is so low. I remember all cruel stuff he called me. I remember the violence, the controlling. I was like a robot. Any mail I got he had to open it but I didnt dare open his. I would get packages in mail he opened them too. He took the locks off the bathroom door so I couldnt even have privacy there. He also stole money from me.  I know I shouldnt be telling you all this stuff but it helps to talk about it. Somethings could get triggering at stuff I will write but I need to.  I was doing ok but tonight Im so very depressed. He called me and started crap. The only reason I answered it was because I thought it was about me coming in Sunday. Im also having angry streaks now. I get real angry when I think of what has happened. All my life I was abused by one person or another. I dont know how this has happened to me. My psychiatrist says thats all I have known. My Grandma and my mom were the people in my family that loved me. It seemed things got worse when My Grandma died. I didn't have her to protect me. I didnt have her to talk to. When I get so upset I miss her so much. She died in 1987 but it feels like yesterday. My mom and I lived with her. She was like another mom to me. She was abused growing up by her step mom. People say I remind them of my Grandma. She would do anything for anyone. She was such a caring person. I have had people take me for granted. They would use me cause they know I would do anything for them. I thought I was doing better with it but I look back and I was doing it with my ex. Everything he want he got. I would go without. I do miss the good time we did together. Been thinking too much about that today too.  Im going to go for now. 

Not Doing Good At All

Sorry I havent posted. I know I should to get my feelings out. I just feel like such a burden. Its the same thing over again and Know you guys are probabally sick of it. Im in a deep depression right now and the Holiday is not helpping. My ex and I always did something for the 4th. Then I find out my one friend who has been there for me went out of town til the 12th and I feel this person will forget me. I ask my friend if they would and they said they wont. Thing is I have a hard time believing anyone. I have lost all trust. My mom even noticed it. Its got real bad.  She said the abuse has done this to me. Im waiting for my new medical card so I can get some counceling. I know I need it. My ex is playing alot of mind games with me. My depression got really severe last night. I dont want to say how bad it got cause I dont want noone to worry. Patty thank you for calling me and Im so sorry I worried you. Today is not going any better. I been crying. I feel like Im not even here. I just dont feel loved. I feel like I cant be loved. Im hurting so bad. I m sorry Im so depressed so much. I just feel like my whole life is crashing. I will try to write more often.